28 nov - dad not allowed to come home till at least sunday, needs to stay for more observation. CTA scan & ECHO results not shared yet. yday he seemed much better & more himself so like what the hell even.

27 nov - dad is allowed to sit up today <3 told my mom i’m sore from jumping & dancing last night & she said “you’re too young to feel that way” (classic my mom)

26 nov 3 - dad went to sleep at 9:30pm so i still went to see danny brown. ran in halfway thru his set, during his song from scaring the hoes. screamed sooo loud the whole time, danced my ass off covered in strangers’ sweat. great view bc the audience was small (mix of weird dudes & transgender furries). got to hear “baby” “right from wrong” “copycats” “book of daniel” & “1l0v3myl1f3!” :) afterward got a femtanyl shirt (didn’t like danny brown’s merch) that says FEM on the front bc i think it’s funny. taking the bus to the train to the bus home now bc i love feeling alive & walking around & navigating a city by $5 public transit instead of a $50+ uber/lyft

26 nov 2 - he had 10 small strokes in the past few days, all on his left side. if i go to danny brown concert tonight then my dad will certainly have an aneurysm or another bigger stoke. if i stay at the hospital then he’ll be ok & survive the night. so i am dressed all sexy at the hospital & not going to the concert. we cancelled all plans thru the rest of the week — earliest he will be released is friday morning. dad is in good spirits, bored & tired mainly, but still joking with the nurses. i brought him minky (tiger stuffed animal from stl zoo, bought for me by @pupdog01 on the day of the tornado) to keep him company <3

26 nov - dad in hospital for carotid artery dissection. waiting to see neurologist. bye

25 nov 2 - family update, first about my sister then about my mom. my sister slept thru the comedy show bc she can’t stay awake past 9pm despite having severe fomo. i had so much fun & when i asked how she liked it she said “it was alright”. going to kimya with her was weird bc she has essentially no visible expression of enjoyment, sadness, anger, grief, recognition of humor, etc… so i am there laughing & crying when i look over at her after a joke or a sad story or a heartwarming song, she is wide-eyed & slack-jawed like the input isn’t being processed. idk. it’s an adjustment. about my mom: the two things she has commented on most about me/my life lately are my weight gain (which i love, every time i go up a size i get sexier) & my sobriety. she tells me what’s “healthy” & my dad has even started chiming in. as if i’m eating a different kind of fried chicken every day bc i’m “health-conscious”. anyway she has a lot to say about my food choices, which i won’t get into here (god forbid my coffee has half n half instead of skim milk). for sobriety, i mentioned something about wanting to check out a local dispo, & my mom was shocked. she said “i thought you weren’t smoking?” & i said “well i’m able to go a week, or 2 weeks, or 3 weeks without, to the point where i stopped counting how many days i can go. so i still smoke a couple times a month, but it’s way less vs this time last year when i was smoking basically from noon to midnight”. she said “well i liked when you were not smoking at all” & i clarified “last time i saw you was the first time i had gone a week without”. ultimately it’s not a big deal but she clearly doesn’t care about my personal goals re: cannabis (not feeling reliant on it, not spending so much $ on it) & only wants me to completely abstain. ok actually one more thing about my mom, which is her asking me about dating/relationships. she says she’s surprised i’m still single & i explain how i really enjoy being single & have no plans to date. she again is expressing how much she wants to be a grandmother & she does NOT like my joke about how she should adopt a pregnant teenager if she wants grandkids so bad :/

25 nov - today i pulled out my dad’s guitar that he got when he lost his job at UPN, from around the time he got his vasectomy, & pulled up the chords for “nobody’s hippie” by kimya dawson. i used to do that kind of thing in high school, when i was too depressed to go to school, i’d grab my dad’s guitar & pull up the chords of a wingnut dishwasher’s union song & just learn to play a song for an hour. i liked it a lot. i might ask him if i can take it home with me. earlier today i went to the consignment shop & got a big yellow wooden L with a big llama on it. then later i saw mae martin at largo & i asked where they got their outfit & they said “thank you! but the answer isn’t very funny” so then they asked about my outfit (my shirt says “cochise harm reduction”). they said how they went to a harm reduction rehab as a teen & their nickname from the other kids there was “bathwater” bc the other kids thought they looked like someone who would drink their own bathwater. “& of course i did! who didn’t?!” they said how they would suck the bathwater out of their washcloth like it was a nipple. they also talked about being a bizarre lesbian child who didn’t understand their attraction to women & so would do weird things like threaten to fight or wrestle the hot older girls (i was like this as a kid too). also i got to sit next to the sexiest butch with the cutest little laugh. anyway!

24 nov 3 - it went like this:

me: ok sorry but thank you for literally saving my life when i was like 11

kimya: (nods) i’m glad you’re here

me: i’m glad YOU’RE here!

24 nov 2 - kimya dawson tonight which means (to quote sufjan) “i am crying in the bathroom” before the show <3 11yo me & 16yo me & 22yo me are all here with me tonight <3

24 nov - up at 5:30am bc i can’t sleep waiting for this email about whether or not i got this promotion. all day yday i was going back n forth btwn “i hope i get it” & “i hope i don’t get it” so it’s actually funny how i’ll be happy either way. update: i got it :)

23 nov - too much to say, here’s just the last hour: narcissist lyft driver who claims to be a “top 5 driver in the state” (?) & will soon be “surprising his gf” by visiting her in bangkok... then old man at the airport asking the staff to unlock his phone :( going thru tsa i got “sir-ma’am”ed & then the tsa agent switched to saying “next person in line” lol. unsure what about me could be giving “ma’am” (earrings???) but i find it endearing :) now i have 5hrs till i get to LAX… before i land i have to finish my report (was due thurs but i forgot, asked for an extension) & prep for monday’s meeting… all of the specialists at my job have an opportunity for a hybrid semi-promotion, i applied but am getting cold feet. do i want the extra responsibilities? not really. the sector i’d be working in (healthcare) isn’t my area of interest, but i think i’d do a better job than 2 of my 3 coworkers who also applied. considering withdrawing my application but idk!

19 nov - i leave stl again in a few days which is jarring. it will be nice to have a break tho — work has been very tiring physically & mentally & relationally. plus my tattoo hurts like nuts, bc i paid to have a gigantic open wound on my ribs. sooo worth it tho it’s def my fav tattoo. all i want is more & bigger… bye

18 nov - they just finished installing those gates at the damn metro stop by work. hellish. luckily i am listening to the black-capped chickadees & white-throated sparrows while i wait for my train. today is my one “free” day this week so i think i will get into bed immediately to cope with the exhaustion… wish i could take an epsom salt bath but it’ll kill my tattoo. ok wait i got the most cassidyest message from @pupdog01 (who made it to brasil!) which made me smile with love. lastly today my ex will finally be breaking up with their careless loser boyfriend who they’ve talked about breaking up with every month for the last year. hallelujah! tomorrow we are moving offices at work (again) but this will be the last time. wow i’m sooo sleepy tired on this train, let me post in my other journal so i don’t fall asleep :3

17 nov - detroit rocked. was given free shrooms from the decrim team. met other trans ppl working in harm reduction. did drugs with my coworkers. went to some AMAZING sessions, esp on disability justice in our field (e.g. “crack babies” as a eugenics concept), the intersections of addiction & abortion (e.g. abortion meds made illegal thru drug control legislation), & state surveillance irt family separation & the drug war. andrea ritchie was in attendance at one of the sessions! danced to detroit techno & the dance floor was electric, it was so awesome. hooked up with a trans masc who does research at the only opc in their state, stayed up till 8am. got a fucking giant tattoo from my armpit to my hip, 5hr session on 1hr of sleep, with sexy & amazing tattoo artist jane d0llici0us. we talked about the drugs & fetish & the midwest & she said it was probably the gnarliest blackwork spot she’s tattooed (all on my ribs). it’s unfinished (4 of 7 letters filled in) but i was asking her to pause every 5mins bc the pain was excruciating. sooo worth it. loving life & my life specifically & feeling so grateful for everything & everyone who has gotten me to where i have been this past year. with the way things are going, i have to imagine that my life will only get cooler & more based & amazing. can you believe who i am now vs even 1yr ago? 2yrs ago? the most profound growth i have experienced has been in the last year, divorce + sobriety + sexual trauma therapy, learning new skills & navigating relationships soberly, reworking my relationship to drugs & sex & friends & my house & art & what is important to me. it’s kind of unbelievable & i am just FEELING!

13 nov - @pupdog01’s first travellogue provides me with immense relief about how it WILL be ok, here & there, for all of us. yet again i have too much to say so i’ll keep it short. getting 5-6hrs of sleep again /neg. i’m in detroit now for work. pigeons here are way fatter & that’s rocks. canada is visible from across the water (very tempting). because it is cold outside, everywhere is hot inside, which means i’m preferring time outside. ok love you bye!

11 nov - the gods have declared it a sufjan winter which is equally as glorious, or more so due to the power of friendship & karaoke. too much fun stuff has happened for me to even write it all here. movie with alexis & scout, tgirl open mic at night owl, bigassbug poetry night with karaoke afters at emma’s, plus the best night of pinball club maybe ever. & li made me a yellow fish necklace which literally makes my heart glow. tomorrow i leave for detroit & will find myself devastated upon returning home to have no best friend slash roommate. next week’s pinball club theme is “what do we do without cassidy” :(

4 nov 2 - i think it will be a john darnielle winter. thank the lord

4 nov - some claim there was a halloween curse — i believe it, everyone i know is having a horrible time lately (even pre-halloween). i am transitioned from purple (in summer) to green (for winter) & finding some comfort in that. creating ways to have agency. love you <3

2 nov - bug party last night which rocked. 2 spiders 2 praying mantises & i went with a bug on my shirt but me & the bug had matching outfits (blue shirt + silver chain necklace). so that was awesome. slept poorly but have reopened my animal crossing game which has been untouched since oct 2020. overland appt today rocked, i’m leaving feeling excited & hopeful & grateful. tonight i will play more & do a salt soak & try to take it easy after an unbelievably stressful week <3

31 oct 2 - halloween sadposting. spent many years not caring about halloween & then many years being pissed off about halloween & this year was finally feeling “ok” about halloween (thanks to energy work) until today day-of when i’m feeling sad due to not caring again. i feel like such a buzzkill bc i have no holiday spirit for any holidays, i dread october to december, in part for how i feel so disconnected from everyone else’s excitement. i wish i could feel the way others feel, & it’s sad to me, that i don’t intrinsically feel that way & also can’t seem to make myself feel that way. it’s ok that we have different things that make us happy/excited, but these things seem to be ubiquitously culturally celebrated, & i am always like not understanding how to like, create that feeling of excitement or even how to relieve the feelings of anger or dread. starting the last day of sept i tell myself that i need to do whatever i can to get thru till new years — not bc of the season of winter, or the cold or the darkness, but bc of all the holidays. jan 18 (day after my bday) is when i can finally feel relieved of these burdens & continue life as usual, without all the stress & emotional expectations of holidays.

31 oct - only sleeping 5-6hrs every night for the past 2wks. bummer. feeling exhausted & weird. lonesome but don’t want to be alone or around people. feeling restless but want don’t want to go out. once again craving something unknown.

29 oct 2 - event went better than expected. i love having a full day, 2 events after work. i keep going to kink/leather/fetish events where i don’t enjoy the conversation itself, or the people who run it are unfriendly, but i meet cool people afterwards & talk for a while. bus home now! maybe i will eat bolognese when i get home :)

29 oct - work is feeling good, no tension between us in the workroom. boo at the zoo tonight, got to pet the stingrays & see baby orangutan & hang out with brian, which were all the things on my list. i love doing things alone. i thought about inviting a friend to boo at the zoo but ultimately i really truly love to do things on my own by myself. or go to something by myself & then see people there that i know. now i’m going to a leather social which, we’ll see how it goes. taking the 90 to the end of the line (gravois/hampton tc) & later taking the 8 bus from its starting location (catalan loop), all of which is exciting to me. tomorrow after work i have 4 potential things on the calendar (all overlapping) so we will see what occurs. friday i’m working in office & then have halloween shenanigans. saturday i’m working all day for a volunteer event (& will gain an extra day off from it) & then another halloween event. sunday i have softball morning, then an hour-long appointment that will take 2hrs to get to & 2hrs to get home from — unless a very brave friend or acquaintance is willing to drive me without question to or from overland & not mind whatever condition i’m in while on the way there/back… so another full weekend! not sleeping much since i’m out in the world more & my fall-asleep time has become as late as 2am. these things happen. lastly i bought tickets to see loml kimya dawson when i’m in LA to visit my family. which will be actually like such a phenomenal life-altering event!

26 oct - full weekend again tg. circus + made bolognese + first halloween party of the season + experimenting with cold-weather fashion + friendship + movies. nighty night

24 oct 2 - got to see bread & puppet theater so that’s super rocks. it was actually like unbelievably phenomenal. also everyone in it was so sexy. ok bye!

24 oct - on my way to the circus to see tonight’s puppet show. wearing a daring new outfit & i’m excited to get more experimental this winter. for breakfast i made “goopy eggs” (french style soft curd eggs) on toast in honor of my friend emily. for lunch i had sushi but also leftover chinese. for dinner i had the rest of that beef onion cheese sandwich that i made on sunday plus half a stag. this is my second weekend in a row taking the 10 bus up to grand district… i’m liking it! bye!

21 oct 4 - today was just the longest day on earth (neutral). at the end of work i got to talk to my boss & we problem-solved & kiki’d & she liked my katamari damacy failure screenshots that i included in our check-in sheet when i was talking about a mistake i made. i’ve also done a lot to feel proud of at my job. after work my bus never came but i met someone important & hung out with cassidy & then lucky parker picked us up for snacks & movie :3 tomorrow is work (annoying) but then it’s boob at the zoob!

21 oct 3 - work was actually very annoying today. i messaged my troublesome coworker to say that i’m frustrated that she ignores my questions in the work group chat (among other things). she was fairly rude when we talked about it in-person (as she often is). she said “i only talk to coworker a bc we’re friends outside of work. beyond that, i don’t need to talk to you.” like… we are literally teammates & it’s actually rude to consistently ignore my messages & only answer when i tag her directly saying “hey @coworker any thoughts?” (& then she answers “idc”). it’s one thing (still rude) to ignore me when i say “good morning, how was your weekend?” but to also ignore me when i ask “hey do people think x or y makes more sense for this project?” or “do we want to meet before or after lunch?” is also um obstructive to us working collaboratively to accomplish tasks for our jobs. so the coworker i get along with was feeling extremely dejected after the convo with troublesome coworker, bc obv she’s upset that this is our team dynamic, & that any attempt at opening a conversation with troublesome coworker is met with a defensive, bitchy, uncaring attitude on top of passive aggressive remarks. which is actually unreal that me directly communicating (“i feel frustrated that you ignore me”) is met with this attitude of “any other *frustrations* you want to air out?” like girl this is why i don’t like working with you!

21 oct 2 - ex rant over. pinball fun talked to @batfaced & @dykedrafts & others. played pball. full weekend this weekend which was awesome. best parts was slice & prison books, worst part was the skatium. tired today which is fine except numbers don’t work in my brain, which is fine.

21 oct - when for example my ex, who i see weekly, texts me anytime i overbooked myself, to say how they feel rejected & unimportant bc i can’t make time for them this week, & usually i remind them that i make time for them at least once a week, but this time i say nothing, bc how many times can i point to my calendar to show them all the days with their name on it. i know i am not “hearing” them in their hurt right now. sometimes it’s a matter of “that sucks, i’ll see you next week then!”

19 oct - willingly wore trousers today, i don’t even mind being a little sweaty bc it’s so diabolically windy in the most pleasant way. had an epic missouri prison books volunteer momentttttt, i heart her forever & ever & need to integrate her back into my schedule. i packed an order for a self-described “weebzilla” who i sent a japanese history book & some manga. we (package-wrappers) talked about our grandparents trying to date. then i got ramen (classic post-prison books behaviour) then i tried to sell plasma but they were understaffed so i bought groceries instead. last year was chronic french onion soup boots so i’m already scheming a beef & cheese sandwich with grilled onions for dinner…..

18 oct 2 - took bus to slice expo in the rain. great time meeting trans artists from chicago & pittsburgh & nyc & oklahoma. i love transgender artists & buying their art. on the bus ride there, a man talking to invisible figures passed by me to get off. he said to me (in a way like we’ve known each other for 20yrs) “you gotta lay off the grapes, you’re getting big. you gotta start getting fat-free grapes!” he laughed in a friendly way & called me a “bald-headed bastard” lol. ate food & showed roommate my haul & took a nap. now i am at the catalan transit center, where i’ve never been before, after the show at the skatium. i asked the first two women who tried roller skating how much it was scary vs fun. they said “way more scary than fun but i’m glad i tried it” & they both encouraged me that i could do it too. so i got a pair of skates & put them on, then fell on my ass within 5mins & before ever stepping foot in the rink. spine & wrists hurt too much for me to risk another fall so i returned my skates. now i am on the last 8 bus home. both women emailed me back. good night!

18 oct - waiting for 2 women to email me back!

17 oct 3 - waiting for a woman to email me back. it happens sometimes…

17 oct 2 - feeling restless. i want to move but i won’t till at least april 2027 due to logistical factors. but i also want to achieve a few goals in my life before moving. chicago has been on the list but lately i keep thinking about brooklyn (sorry). i’m thinking of places where i already have friends, where my line of work exists & is paid decently, & where i could exist more peacefully without a car. pittsburgh is on the list but i haven’t checked jobs & it’s been years since i visited. spots in england are on the list even tho the pay would be shit & the cost of living would be severe, & i would make half as much money there as i would anywhere in america. new zealand would rock but i haven’t looked into it. naarm would too but it’s all so far away & travelling back to visit friends/family would be too expensive. so then i return to options of major american cities.

17 oct - feeling… hm…

16 oct - saw yitzy & brian on the metro then met patty on the walk to campus. she has her bio midterm today so good luck to patty! sometimes i get so inside myself that i forget how good it feels to talk to strangers. bestie says that if i stop spending so much time with my ex then maybe my life will improve more, in ways i have been wanting & also in ways i can’t imagine. which is actually the whole point!

15 oct - hm… thinking about my life a lot… not coming to many conclusions yet but it’s all in the works. overwhelming therapy session on monday which put me in a weird mood, so i will have a regular session tomorrow after work. then double session on monday. thank god therapy costs $19.44 but seriously. been feeling very jealous lately which is informative. monday night pinball i had lots of firsts: hole in ones on the gopher game, ascended in pinbot, got 3 monsters in the monster bash (drac then frankenstein then the swamp creature!)…

10 oct 3 - ok i literally found my earbud with moments to spare… god is good!!!

10 oct 2 - bro i spent an hour fixing my earbud & then somehow lost it in the walk from the shop to where i’m sitting >:( when i asked the lady at the shop if she found anything she said “you didn’t have an earbud” (?) & when i asked the guy sitting next to me he said “i always lose mine in my pockets” (???)

10 oct - ate jacky potato after work yday & got soooo sleepy from being full of cheesy potato baked beans… slept from 6pm to 12am then awake for a bit then back to sleep 2am to 7am :) which is pretty cool for me. work was annoying or rather the one coworker i always struggle with was extremely frustrating to work with as usual. but i am more able to say “oh well such is life”

8 oct - did an experiment of eating 3 bananas. then battery acid show plus friendship. epic bathroom bro moment when we got home. had an idea for a song (?) as well. i am cured of depression!

7 oct - woke up feeling normal instead of miserable not wanting to leave my bed. saw a video of a stomping cat that made me ijbol. have a great day!

6 oct 3 - best pinball probably since that lady brought her pet rat. guy on the walk from the bus stop asked us if we knew where to get meth which was cool. played group scooby doo thanks to bigassbug’s quarters & it was fun. played basketball pinball with lucky parker & casey which was also fun. got to meet li’s dog. feeling good!

6 oct 2 - made beef stew :3

6 oct - feeling ok about it being october tho i was fighting it a lot this past week. phew. second energy work session yday where i asked for her help around that among other things. she recommended that i get acupuncture done for my blockages hm… besides that i ended the session feeling like something was removed & when i looked down i felt almost like baby being like “oh! those are my legs & my feet :)” which felt cute. before that was the munch (it was “ok”) but the people i met rocked (i <3 dykes). ate eggs this morning on my new blue/green ceramic plates that i adore. now i’m on a webinar while watching my daughter stretch angelically on the sunny windowsill <3

5 oct 2 - some thoughts on recovery i wanted to record here: in july i had this realization that it felt so refreshing to not need to rely on substances in order to socialize. i never thought i’d feel that way. i can use a variety of tools to support myself & have a good time. it’s funny to call myself sober (i do) despite still drinking alcohol & doing drugs, bc my sobriety to me means that i’m not stoned 24/7 or on xanax with my family or stealing pills from medicine cabinets. i don’t count my days anymore, now that i’ve shown myself that i can go a week or two or three without smoking. as recently as june i was still smoking daily. for me my recovery/sobriety means that my drug/alcohol use are not causing problems in my life (socially, psychologically, financially). i was saying for a bit that i was “experimentally sober” but i feel ready to drop that label. i like that i can attend recovery meetings (which i find incredibly spiritually fulfilling) while still doing drugs recreationally. i think that balance is important to me.

5 oct - thinking about things people have said lately that led to recent realizations. how certain things have been reinforcing negative beliefs about myself which keep me isolated/ing. how i actually am pushing back against those tendencies even tho i don’t see myself pushing back or feel an impact of it. i know i will feel “better” (in the long term) to still do those things instead of staying in my room every day & night. so i will drink coffee, & shower, & go to the munch today, & to my energy work session, & maybe to a recovery meeting tonight, or to the big burn later.

4 oct 3 - great night at lucky parker party <3

4 oct 2 - ate too much fried okra & feeling the consequences. took a nap, did my shot. on my way to tha party. that thing of “do it sad, do it scared” but “do it in the most foul mood”. i can’t even articulate what the feelings are, i’m just “in a bad mood” all the time…

4 oct - loving this local estate sale bidding site (secret) where i just got a new $200 printer for $20 & a beautiful set of handmade oven/microwave/dishwasher safe ceramic plates from england for $12. a couple things on the calendar today & tomorrow but i’m having trouble attending things. might go to chicago (for fun) before detroit (for work) :)

1 oct 2 - feeling at least once a day like my life is not worth living. brainstorming how to get thru the next 5mo or so, how to change my life in a hundred different ways to make it survivable. feeling homesick as if living in a more expensive dying empire will fix things. i have at least vague plans for the next year of my life that require me to be here & then i’ll probably move 6mo after that (not sure where). i think that’s why i feel so strongly like i want to be with my ex, bc my life feels like nothing anyway, so why not give it away again. cassidy says that’s the single most self-destructive act i could take to entirely derail the trajectory of my life & i agree. & i still want it & i still want it. it is so crazy how this started like a month ago when i was recognizing how my objective accomplishments (creating 2 zines within 1 month, hosting a survivors poetry event) were not feeling like accomplishments at all. i’m doing what i can but nothing feels like anything. for weeks i have been wanting & needing & not getting & not knowing & i think this is all a culmination of that too. & i know it won’t end soon & i know this is how the next few months will feel </3

1 oct - agitated today duh. upset to learn that it’s october bc every month at the end of the year is more annoying than the last…

30 sept - if you’re wondering how i’m surviving it is by listening to mid-2000s emo/pop-punk

29 sept - as my prolonged agitation becomes a deep unending sadness, the final word is that i am undergoing a depressive episode (which could be annual seasonal depression)

28 sept - typically i have this thing of “what does loneliness even feel like?” EITHER bc i never feel that way anymore to the point that i can’t even pinpoint the feeling OR bc i feel it so regularly that i can’t identify it as distinct from default existence BUT it seems to be a very motivating emotion for many people. ANYWAY this morning i felt SO LONELY like crazy alone & so alone that i was crying in the shower. which made me realize that i usually don’t feel lonely anymore i guess. but i just felt soooooo unbelievably lonely this morning, like i haven’t felt that lonely since i first made friends in stl 2.5yrs ago. so!

27 sept - ex’s bday yday which was great. a lot less pressureful when we’re having fun & i don’t have all the burdens of partnered misalignments (not liking their friends or their partners or the places they want to go or the ways they behave while drunk). relieved of much of the judgmentalism that plagued me as their partner. which of course says to me: let’s date again! i stayed over last night while they were blackout, first time in years that i could just laff about it heehee haha & not feel frustrated or upset or like they’re my responsibility. i attribute some of this relief to the energy work session i did recently, but also to my personal growth via breakup & practice in profound friendships. roomie & i have been talking about some of these things, e.g. my practices of self-regulation in moments where i would have previously dealt with my discomfort (of another person’s emotions) by self-abandoning thru frantic caretaking or removing myself from the situation. instead i practice calming my own nervous system that can be set off by another person’s stress or anxiety or etc, while staying present with the other person. so last night when my ex is blabbering in gibberish, i can say “haha so true!” & help them into bed without holding resentments for “having to” help them. which then makes me say: this was great & i want to do this & share a bed again & live together etc. i don’t want to not be with them but i have also spent my whole adult life with them so it’s not like i know much else. like how my parents are my parents & i don’t have much of a concept of their mistreatment until i have context for other ways of being treated. that’s how it feels with how my ex is my family. also it’s funny (unrelated) how i was saying to my sister how i might go visit my cousin in december. he lives a town over from my (very difficult) grandfather. my sister said “well if you go see our cousin, it sucks bc you’d have to see grandpa”. & i said “why would i have to?” & she said “bc he lives nearby”. & i said “well that’s not MY rule that i would need to go see him. i’d only see him if i wanted to” & she seemed um confused or something by that idea. seeing grandpa once or twice a year is enough for me, i’m not gonna go out of my way to see him due to someone else’s imposed ideas of familial obligation. anyway!