2 apr - i’m actually in such a bad mood today, cranky & agitated. my coworkers were giggling together after lunch & it made me pissed off for no reason. need to be wearing a dog vest today that says “not friendly” :-(

1 apr 2 - ok the best part was when 200 of us were shouting “god bless your transsexual heart” like wow teenage me who saw her sing that song a decade ago is going berserk. also her wife is maybe the hottest person alive!!!!

1 apr - i feel like such an oldhead punk when i talk about laura jane grace who i’m seeing tonight at off broadway. all my friends under 25 or who weren’t transgender teenagers haven’t heard of her. i have a poster up in my living room from when i saw her as a trans teen with my trans friend from high school. i hope it’s a good night <3

31 mar 2 - ok reading back my previous posts like i don’t remember writing any of these… i totally forget what i talk about on here! thank god i write it all down!

31 mar - pinball night is the best night of the week & that means i might need to abandon the old gay men i’ve been singing with… tragic honestly but such is life. work’s been annoying but therapy has been so fun lately! i email my therapist about how i feel one way & then email again right after talking about how i feel the opposite. it’s pretty funny to swing from despair to nonchalance, “i will never heal” to “what is there even to heal from?” truly i <3 my ambivalence!

30 mar - desperate to finish this book i’ve been reading, i’m now in the chapters about building/finding your self & separating yourself from others. i tend to lose myself in all types of relationships, i always felt like the sidekick in my friendships even as a kid... i’m mostly thinking about what of myself i have given or given up to accommodate romantic relationships. mainly it’s how my joyousness & marveling is met with neutrality or annoyance & so eventually it grows silent. a common example is if i’m excited to look at all the flowers blooming & the person i’m dating is like “ugh can you not do this right now” — very much like a dog excited to sniff his favorite spot & his owner keeps yanking on his lead. so it felt like something when i was walking with my ex the other day, saying hi to all the daffodils & pointing out how they looked different from the ones down the street, & my ex goes “it’s amazing how you are so full of joy & whimsy, you really see beauty everywhere.” like yes that is so true about me!!!

29 mar 3 - today felt like the longest day ever what the hell! by 6pm i was sure it must’ve been 9pm. just now i thought it was midnight. goodnight!

29 mar 2 - thing #2: i’ve been so super fatigued all week. as soon as i get home at 6pm i lay down in my bed. i think it’s a lot of things: work stress + hormones + therapy + therapy to name a few. i didn’t anticipate how exhausting trauma work would be & we haven’t even finished our intake sessions yet!

29 mar - probably 100 different things i could say this morning but here’s one thing: it feels super cool to reflect on where i’m at with weed specifically. i realized that i spent $100 like 2.5mo ago & am maybe only halfway thru my supply, where i used to spend at least $100 a week if you can believe that. so that financial change feels good. then this week i brought my pen with me to work which i haven’t done in hmm 6mo or so? bc work’s been sooooo stressful lately & i haven’t had extracurricular activities to occupy myself at all. i think it’s useful to note these times when my progress unwinds a bit…

27 mar - i feel so 15 again in that i hate going home. like i actually hate going home. i wish i had an activity or obligation or plans with a friend. today i feel so restless. i wanted to do cement work when i got home but it’s too wet out. maybe i’ll make some orange chicken & see what i can meal prep. i would love lasagne but i don’t have the noodles. maybe soup but that sounds like work. i think i’ll bake some potatoes for sure. mainly lately i’m obsessed with the idea of tiramisu. i had sooo much tiramisu last week, like one everyday (life as it should be) so now i want to make my own tiramisu!

25 mar 4 - one thing that was funny today was at work we got in a shipment of bees. not our bees, the bio lab was closed so they delivered bees to us instead. ups driver said they were so loud in his truck & he didn’t want to drive them around all day. so we took in the bees, (live bees) until a phd student came by saying “do you have my bees in here?”

25 mar 3 - had a killer headache all day & work’s been continually stressful. i decided today that i kind of don’t care about that right now. i have 30 other things to worry about & a supervisor being passive aggressive in a meeting isn’t making it onto the list this week. i was hoping to go on a date tonight but i think they’re busy. which is fine, i’m still easing myself back into real life. instead i’ll eat fried chicken tonight & finish that british show i’ve been watching.

25 mar 2 - hi flounder. i really struggled with that new book my therapist recommended, it’s something i would’ve enjoyed in a wgs class discussion but is not easily digestible to me in a self-help context. i’m super resistant to a lot of the basic essential foundational concepts like “you are normal” (wrong, have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on?) & “you are whole & healthy”. sorry to pathologize my capital-t trauma but i think that’s kind of the point of me repeatedly seeking treatment?

25 mar - trying to get back into floundering. i had double therapy yesterday & was recommended another book which i read sections of last night & emailed my therapist about incessantly…

21 mar - text from my mom: “are you getting back together?” helpful advice from a friend who dated someone for 3yrs, broke up for 2yrs, then got back together.

13 mar 2 - OK I’M READY TO STOP FEELING WEIRD! ugh!

13 mar - went to bed at 8pm so involuntarily woke up at 4:30am, which was fine bc it gave me time to completely clean my kitchen, eat breakfast, start laundry. so i was feeling accomplished until about noon, been feeling really unbelievably sad since then tho. about to head on a trip with my ex soon which will be hm… something… a lovely & much needed vacation while also being potentially emotionally fraught circumstances… we had a very fruitful convo on sunday about our relationship & how i can be a better friend to them. idk, today is one of those “i want to be together again” days i guess. one of my best friends from high school got back together with her college boyfriend after a few years of separation, part of me hopes we will grow back together like that, even tho i had lost that hope a couple months ago.

12 mar 3 - bowl of pasta was delicious. goodnight!

12 mar 2 - today’s meeting was helpful actually. feeling accomplished bc i did outreach to 120+ orgs in the last 2wks. 2 big big orders to pack tomorrow once supplies arrive. gonna have a nice bowl of angel hair pasta when i get home <3

12 mar - lots of conflict at work lately. very hostile team meeting yesterday, additional annoying meeting this morning…. NOT looking forward to it!

11 mar 2 - new therapist invoiced me with a diagnosis of “f43.12” aka “chronic ptsd” … i didn’t know i was ptsd man this whole time! damn. sometimes fucked up things happen to you as a kid & you get this diagnosis out of it. i had no idea i ever had ptsd…. thankful to have gotten this news while i’m drunk <3

11 mar - new therapist said “there’s no rush” but they don’t know that i’m starvingggggg. we talked about things being scary but now i’m wondering if it feels scary like how roller coasters are scary. like i know i will have fun even tho it’s scary! shut up!

10 mar 2 - people keep asking me about my dates but i think i’m bad at sustaining “dating” — no practice in it yet, i can do a date or two & even when i really like the person the momentum gets dashed bc i’m mr busyman: i have 3 weekly recurring things that only leaves 3 days for other things, plus i’m sick or traveling or need time to myself. i think “oh well i saw her feb 1, that’s not so long ago!” but i think my perception on things is skewed. i suppose that’s the problem with trying to stay restrained as opposed to letting myself dive in. i have the same rules for myself for that i do with drugs: not 2 days in a row, not 2x in one week, moderation moderation moderation… hmm i will have to think on that one… i know i am prone to “let’s hang out every day” type behavior but maybe i’m swinging too far the other direction. i’m also very scared of things “progressing” like i am so scared of what could happen on date 3 or 4 or 5… it’s really scary tbh! plus i don’t know how to show interest in multiple people at once in these early stages, it feels really unattainable or impossible to imagine making time in my life for multiple people rn. my sister was making fun of me for all this too which didn’t help :-(

10 mar - woke up 2hrs early (typical lately) which i guess is better than the last few nights when i woke up at 4/5am. today (monday) is my only day with obligations, but they’re all fun things (catching up with a friend, first session with new therapist, pinball club after)… the rest of the week should be easy. phew. i love doing things after work (it helps me feel alive) but no hormones + no sleep will really drag you down…

8 mar 4 - as someone who even a few years ago had immense difficulty telling anyone about anything in their life, flounder has been a really wonderful exercise in sharing. it also fulfills my writing needs, keeps me practicing that, which i find fun. in lower school i always picked the writing table for free choice. so writing + sharing, was there something else? oh, that i also want to practice writing things that aren’t about my life. i used to write a lot of fiction (animals talking! duh!) but i only write about myself lately. i guess i only read non-fiction now too, so that makes sense. grr!

8 mar 3 - lately about half the time when i smoke i go “ohh i wish i hadn’t…” maybe will be saving it for social things only. or maybe with more intention, smoking to watch a movie vs just because. wait i’m actually really enjoying not-smoking before watching movies lately. sometimes the way i feel reminds me of how i felt when i first started smoking. as a teenager i’d say “i love how weed makes me think about the movie differently!” but after being stoned for so long, now watching sober is what makes me think differently. very cool! one other thing i forgot to mention the other day (2wks ago) was when i went to the dentist sober. read that back: dentist… sober! can you even believe! & i even thought to myself, “i’m so glad i didn’t get stoned before the dentist.” i’m loving having these feelings of gratitude for the small moments. was just thinking yesterday “what’s my next step?” but i don’t think i need a next step right now. i think i’m working on other things in recovery besides drug use. the first self-help book i’m reading is talking about trauma recovery in ways that are similar to how we talk about addictions recovery, so i’m sitting there going “recovery is recovery!”

8 mar 2 - i’m switching which side of the bed i sleep on tonight. wish me luck <3

8 mar - ok i’m over all that bs blood shit. I decided that my blood is perfect instead of hurting me. last night i saw that new bruce labruce incest fetish film about immigration & it ruled besides the dinner table convo. a beloved friend was there also which was beautiful too. i’m always so impressed when my younger friends are way cooler than i was at their age. plus it turns out the person who played the maid in the film was the one who brought me to the book release over the summer! fun times. i might go see that movie again tonight…

7 mar 3 - today is seriously the first time in 7 days that i’ve had even a moment to myself & to rest (hence all the journaling). finally did my shot bc fuck my doctor. today red cross finally called me back about a therapeutic phlebotomy & said “is the south county location good?” uh, no, not really. “west county? chesterfield? st peters?” uh, no… “is fairview heights better?” i asked if they have anything in the city & she said no. & also said that it’s possible i could get to my appt, have my hemoglobin checked, & be sent home if my numbers are good. ummm i’m not taking 3hrs+ out of my day (just in travel time on 3 separate buses!) to be told they don’t need to take my blood. how much more inconvenient could this process get! my current doctor wants my blood drawn once every 2-3mo but even so, that’s a full day i’d have to take off work to get this shit done each time. so no blood draw for me, they’ll check my levels in a week to see if i can get my prescription renewed. either way i’m switching doctors at the end of the month bc this whole process has been unbelievably idiotic & stressful. this week i intentionally have zero things planned so that i can recover from everything being so chaotic & draining lately…

7 mar 2 - hoping to see a fucked up perverted freak sex film tonight or tomorrow at arkadin, a bruce labruce film which is double cool since i got to meet him over the summer. it was at his book release in a tiny dingy sex shop, the book was huge & expensive so it was so not happening. i was invited there by a pierced weirdo i met at a leather meetup down the street which was very sweet. talked to a lot of cool people at both events! marveling at how incredible life can be…

7 mar - slept a lot which helped. thinking about something my supervisor said about an ex being easier to love when she didn’t have to worry about loving them. the love feeling free & independent as opposed to defining & depending on the intimate relationship. so cool. a week from today i’m going on a trip w/ my ex (who is still a life partner to me) & i’m feeling too embarrassed to tell many people. coworkers said “you’re doing WHAT with your ex?” like sorry y’all don’t get it that’s fine.

6 mar 3 - my brain is actually completely fried. i packed 3 incorrect orders at work in my first 3hrs & had to completely repack them. lots more to do to fix my mistakes. argh!

6 mar 2 - unexpectedly just finished the audiobook i was listening to. what’s next?!

6 mar - yesterday morning i wrote a new poem & then in the evening i read that poem aloud. that never happens! i planned to read a second one but i decided i don’t like it. but the poem i did read was received so well & i like it a lot! mainly i cannot stop thinking about how powerful shiba’s performance was, moved to tears on two occasions. one person described the sound as “like kazoos” & another said it was like the adults in charlie brown. lots of friends at the show last night, including friends who don’t know each other well. i didn’t get to say hi to everyone but hi everyone!

4 mar - so tired from no hormones plus not getting enough sleep, midnight or 1am bedtime then 7am wake up even if that’s before my alarm goes off. feeling really incredibly proud of how things are going at work, tho my current responsibilities include things that i love doing & could easily do for hours. on friday (my one day with no obligations) i stayed up late working on spreadsheets for no reason. so i’ll need to be careful of that as someone predisposed to overworking!

3 mar 3 - i miss being in love, i miss back when things were just how they were & i hadn’t learnt or grown or changed or needed something different, things were in some ways simpler when that was all i knew

3 mar 2 - i’ve been loving yeo’s brand (singaporean) soy milk. craving it right now tho i drank 2 yesterday <3

3 mar - having very full days again all the time. went to a recovery meeting yesterday & ended up talking the whole time which surprised me. i talked about relearning skills, intentionally filling my time with things that make doing drugs inconvenient to impossible, etc. then i got a text from my ex saying how it seems like i’ve “moved on” (is that not the goal of a break up?) & while i know i don’t NEED to explain it to them, i don’t know how to explain that staying busy is both something i enjoy (& always have!) as well as something i need — to make up for lost time, to keep myself from thinking about the breakup 24/7, to keep myself from being high 24/7… i feel like i’m doing “the next right thing” to keep my life moving forward & that feels good & fulfilling, whereas in our domestic relationship it felt stagnant & cyclical. a major issue in the end was the realization that i kept pausing my own life to tend to this relationship & i was soooo exasperated by that. everything else felt like it was flowing vs that relationship was a clogged drain. we had fun! lots of fun & lots of love & it also was exhausting to have to keep unclogging this drain or sitting in stagnant water when i could otherwise be in a stream. it’s actually not my job to keep unclogging the drain esp when the other person isn’t doing much to tend to the clog. i always felt from the beginning like i was the one keeping the relationship afloat & if i ever stopped paddling then we would sink. but my arms got so tired from rowing all the time & one day i saw a dock! so i tied the boat to the dock & got off. & i love walking on the boardwalk, getting funnel cakes & playing ring toss, i even walk back down the dock to talk to them sometimes. but i’m not getting back on that boat! so i’m not looking forward to our chat on sunday.

2 mar - both books have arrived, i’m liking that first book so far. “here are traits you might exhibit after surviving these events” yes i have almost all of them thank you. “helping others to the point of exhaustion” OK I’M WORKING ON IT JEEZ. it’s interesting to recontextualize the ways i behave as results of childhood sexual trauma as opposed to family upbringing tho i’m sure it’s not just one thing. separately, i haven’t thought about getting back with my ex since the last time i posted about it here. maybe a weird consequences of not having hormones (i’m getting my blood checked tomorrow) but last night also reminded me of reasons i can’t/don’t want to or why it wouldn’t work to. hi my frustrated resentful past self! i see you back there! anyway i decided i won’t go to choir tomorrow & will see friends instead after double therapy & blood draw. ok bye!

28 feb 2 - met with a new therapist who i think could really help me. i’m hopeful, i’m hopeful. we will meet for real on monday. also one of my books came in & i’m so excited, i’ve never read a “self-help” book. it feels good to rededicate myself to healing & recovery after feeling stuck like this for so long…

28 feb - ok listen i’m glad my sister who’s a hoarder is finally getting rid of things she doesn’t want or need or have connections to. it also sucks for me to receive pictures of all the gifts i’ve given to her (mostly gifts i made for her) or things we’ve made together over the years that she’s now throwing away. sending me pics of a keychain i made for her at at a glass-fusing workshop going “what is this? lol” :(

27 feb - wondering why i feel so exhausted & unable to get as much done as usual this week. oh yeah, bc my doctor told me no hormones. feeling it & feeling it & feeling it. will do my shot today anyway bc wtf. haven’t been able to get my doctor-ordered “therapeutic phlebotomy” so am considering other means of bloodletting. this is so fucked up.

26 feb - there’s a guy i see around a lot who i met once at a friend of a friend’s party 3yrs ago — he doesn’t recognize me but i always want to say hi. anyway i wrote a song on the way to work yesterday but we’ll see if i do anything with it. with lots of my art it feels like i poop but don’t flush the toilet. & i’ve had many long days lately. i want to make plans for friday (the only day i don’t have plans) but i think i’ll regret giving up my free night. feeling frustrated lately about only being able to be in one place at a time, not having enough time in a day, etc.

24 feb - every monday i get together with a bunch of old gay dudes & sing songs about grief & mourning & lost love. which as agonizing as that feels, i think it also makes me process my breakup. but it also means that every monday at 10pm cst i walk to the bus & think “oh but how cruel to deny ourselves of love. when all we have in the world is love, why am i choosing the opposite?” i think i need to inject exogenous hormones into my body tomorrow, maybe that will help the woe subside…

22 feb 2 - low t means i’m even more easily on the verge of tears, esp seeing a photo or listening to a book passage. it’s alright just noticing. also trying desperately not to become obsessed with any of the people i’m into but i see myself already being too flighty as a countermeasure. we’ll keep trying, i’m in no rush <3

22 feb - great night again last night, i’m so beyond thrilled to be expanding my social circles <3

21 feb 3 - sorry to be such a “life is an unimaginable gift” guy lately while the rights of myself & my friends are being taken away. the rest of the time, when i’m not marveling, i’m very sad! & i spent many days & years feeling sooo catastrophically depressed or anxious or suicidal, feeling that life is a disgusting burden i’m forced to endure…. so now i like to revel in the opposite feeling. i spent many years feeling isolated, lonely, disconnected, not-myself, like no one would notice if i wasn’t there, like my presence only dulled the space…. anyway my therapist noted that i’ve seemed sad a lot lately. i asked if she saw it in things other than me talking about my breakup & she said no, it’s just the breakup. in some ways it sucks that that part hasn’t changed, that the one area of my life bringing me down is still that (now ended) relationship. it’s unbelievable how much other parts of my life have flourished by breaking up though. ok i’m done being mr breakup man for now. have a nice night everyone!

21 feb 2 - having so many tremendous interactions lately! feeling loved & appreciated & inspired & connected. attended a book discussion group at the luminary & am now reading (listening to) a new book. going to a friend’s gallery opening tonight. life is amazing!

21 feb - last night ruled, had a great day yesterday & went to 2 grocery stores after work. listening to songs lately that i think will help my processing. had therapy today & immediately ordered 2 self-help books to also support my processing…

19 feb 3 - thinking about the call i got from planned parenthood last week after i switched my hormones to them from southampton (too expensive). i always like going to planned parenthood but maybe i need to switch again. the nurse called me after my blood panel to tell me that the doctor needs me off my testosterone immediately. due to high cholesterol, high hemoglobin, high hematocrit, & family health history, i’m “at very high risk of an adverse cardiovascular event (heart attack, stroke, clot)” at age 28. this shit sucks! being off t too long makes me suicidal so i hope my numbers go down enough. idk that i can last the full 3wks before they retest me. the doctor said that IF it’s safe for me to restart t, she wants me on gel instead. BOOO!!!!!!!! not happening!!!! thinking about calling washu to see if they’ll tell me something different.

19 feb 2 - feeling disconnected due to recent travel. the hardest part about being pulled out of my life for a family event is a) missing my ex & b) being disconnected from stl community. so the combo of that means that today i miss that relationship a lot… (i’ve gotten better at saying “my friend” in most contexts bc “my ex” doesn’t accurately describe our relationship, plus i’m trying to move past this yearlong state of “being broken up” that i think saying “my ex” helps keep me in.) if it weren’t so snowy maybe i’d take the bus to matovu for synoptic frequencies to feel connected to people. i think i’ll have a big day tomorrow though….

19 feb - to answer yesterday’s question, no not really. snow/cold is fine but hail hurts lol. also i got a very thoughtful & encouraging note from my supervisor so i’m feeling a lot better about work <3

18 feb - i love public transit. boarding the bus this morning (snowy 8°, “feels like” -7°) the guy who got on behind me said “i mean no disrespect, but does your head get cold?”

17 feb - been sooo stressed about work. i keep making huge leaps forward where my supervisor says “fantastic work! great job! can’t wait to see where this goes!” & then making small mistakes that make me so worried…. but i’m feeling ok now & i think it will be ok……

15 feb - spent 5-7pm feeling the saddest i’ve felt in weeks. then 7pm-3am has been some of the most rejuvenating time i’ve gotten with loved ones i rarely see. 2 of my best friends from high school with whom i immediately feel… idk so comforted & at home just sharing space with them after so long. i almost cried when i first saw them i was so overcome with emotion. i love them so much & feel so loved & understood by them. it’s so cool to slip back so effortlessly into being best friends with each other. i feel so grateful to have such wonderful people to share life with, which is how i feel about all my most profound friendships, but especially those with so much geographical distance. like it is such a blessing that we met & stayed connected & mutually care for each other 10yrs after graduating & living states apart. it is an incredible feeling to have so much gratitude for the people who choose to love & support me, especially from afar & after so long. i love love & i love sleepovers with my most cherished friends <3

13 feb - if i wake up 2hrs before my alarm then i can’t fall back asleep :-(

10 feb 2 - listen i love making new friends & connecting in new ways & meeting new people & having fun & hanging out & going on dates & making deep long lasting connections AND YET!!!!!!! nothing will ever feel like being deeply madly devotedly in reciprocal love with your domestic partner of 8yrs… really truly, it just won’t. & i miss that feeling & that comfort despite the simultaneous dysfunction. it is a sad reality that it seems i can’t have both a capital-r Relationship with them while also growing & developing my own life in unforeseeable ways. this sucks!

10 feb- hi everyone i had the flu last week which sucked nards but i’m back now & feeling alive again. ex-posting again haha (classic for a choir day) but i just missed them a lot today out of the blue even before singing for hours about relationships ending. i had a really wonderful fun day totally randomly (work, then planned parenthood appointments, thrift store, ikea dinner, then chorus)…. feeling kind of off-kilter with how much i enjoy my life separated & how even on those days i can desire the intimacy & closeness of that relationship again…. even tho these days feel like they would not have been possible if we had not broken up! & also can we try again now but different, maybe not enough has changed to make it work tho. so much for me has changed & i don’t see much change in them, which was one of the problems to start with — i’m growing upwards & outwards & sprouting so much that i need to be repotted… maybe this is not a fair assessment tho. it is hard to balance how much i would need for them/their life to be different vs how to love & accept them in all their struggles. if they have no social connections & no desire to change that, is that something i can accept & live contently with? how do i see us growing together vs growing apart?

3 feb 2 - it’s actually diabolical how every song in choir this season is about love & loss & the grief of losing love. we sang the line “i shall miss loving you” 100x today. that’s so cool when i’m still fighting the urge to want to date my ex again. love is all we have etc so it feels extra cruel to stay separated when life can be so torturous. yesterday was one of those “thank god we broke up” days, whereas today was a “maybe we could try again” day. it’s all part of the process. last week i made a bracelet with the word “ambivalence” bc i sincerely love watching myself bounce between these feelings. life is remarkable, i’m enjoying having human experiences & i’m happy to be feeling everything that i can.

3 feb - sometimes i want to journal like andy warhol (who i hate) & write “2 lee’s chicken strips $3.38”. sometimes i want to journal like lou sullivan (who i love) & detail sexual fantasies. today i’ll do neither! had a great “james day” (day with cassidy) at the park yesterday & overall a very full weekend. having full days/weeks means there’s always dishes & laundry to do but that’s ok. everything on my calendar today got cancelled or rescheduled, including a doctor’s appointment & therapy. too hot for pants or a coat today! tonight a coworker invited me out but i have choir (chorus). beyond that, i keep getting stuck in cognitive loops where the same idea occurs to me & eventually i reach the same conclusion each time. tomorrow is poetry at kerr, where lots of people from different parts of my life will come together & maybe i’ll read an old poem. excited but nervous!

31 jan 2 - really productive evening with a new(ish) friend — we’ve been acquaintances for 6mo but are recently becoming closer. spent 7hrs together literally talking nonstop, my favorite way to be friends. at one point he helped me discern (!) to what extent i can go out w/ ppl who have glaringly obvious & potentially dangerous red flags (e.g. the guy who would make a good cult leader) & i told him about a previous ex who, the first time we hung out, described how she tried to kill her brother as a kid (we dated for 9mo after that). sooo i’m nervous for this date tomorrow with a woman i only met a couple weeks ago at an event, tho i think it’s mainly bc i’m so optimistic about it… & ofc i’m also nervous about this upcoming date with this guy i think could be evil!

31 jan - woah my calendar is consistently booking over a week out at this point which feels awesome! except when my friend texts “are you free tomorrow?” & i have 3 unchangeable plans tomorrow — i actually won’t have a chunk of time free till NEXT weekend… listen i love being busy & making new friends & having recurring commitments, but it also makes it hard to meet up with friends who schedule more on a whim. it’s very rare that i’m ever “free tomorrow” :-(

30 jan 2 - i love doing things!!! lately i’ve gone to exhibit openings at galleries/museums — great way to interact with art for an hour, free drinks & fancy food, just walk around looking at things & going “wow! beautiful!”

30 jan - leaving work soon, getting a ride with a coworker. heading to the world chess hall of fame exhibit opening about chess pieces shaped like animals lol, then going to hi-pointe theatre for that documentary & to see the local band afterwards. yippee!

26 jan 3 - third entry today before 7am! lots on my mind i suppose. was talking to friends about the people i end up attracted to — those who are dysfunctional, mainly, & even better if i find them a little scary. (one date i have lined up is with a guy who i told would make a great cult leader — NOT a good trait for a life partner! but boy is he charismatic & charming & boy do i want to fuck him!) & as i get closer to finding emotional “stability” in my life, i still can’t imagine “being with” anyone in a similar position — all i know is loving people who are struggling & who may always live dysfunctional & chaotic lives. & in doing so i threaten my own stability by diving into their dysfunction <3

26 jan 2 - ok back to my life lol. i have a couple dates upcoming which feels hm interesting to say. i’m most looking forward to the one on saturday! as i fill my schedule with recurring events (monday chorus, biweekly group meetings) & dedicated time with friends, my time to spend with new people becomes more limited — i’m booking 2wks out at times. reminder to myself that it feels most fulfilling to have at least 2-3 things to do in a day.

26 jan - i woke up still mad about watching that david lynch movie yesterday. it really pissed me off. i think i’ll need to watch 100 more movies to cleanse myself. it may take several good ones to re-convince myself that movies can be enjoyable & are worth my time & energy. if i weren’t so set on trying to become a “movie guy” (guy who enjoys movies) then this experience could’ve turned me off to watching movies for a while. i had no emotional response while watching it which pissed me off even more, it did absolutely nothing for me in any direction & the cinematography sucked. the friend i watched it with was almost moved to tears several times but i was too embarrassed to admit how much i felt an absence of emotionality from it. maybe i don’t “get” it but i know that’s also the point which ALSO pisses me off! & i enjoy other art that’s ambiguous or lacks clear meaning, i make plenty of it too. but this movie pissed me off & i don’t understand what people like about it. if that’s david lynch then i never need to watch anything else he’s done, waste of my time. & i understand that i’m “wrong” for that opinion. i don’t like or “get” plenty of art/artists that are beloved by artists, that’s fine, i’m content in that. i never claimed to have “good taste” in movies & i don’t need to, i’m just trying to find ones that do something for me as someone who typically doesn’t like to watch movies!!!!!

24 jan 3 - lately i am falling into a pattern of taking a nap before an event, waking up disoriented with minutes to spare, running to catch my bus, then having a wonderful night <3

24 jan 2 - kind of obsessed w/ the fact that i was in an open non-monogamous relationship for 8yrs, during which time i had 1 girlfriend for less than a year in 2022 (went horribly) & was fwb w/ my neighbor during that same period. god what a unique time in my life. anyway i never went on a date or anything outside of those experiences. 6mo after breaking up i went on 1 (bad) date in december which was incredible informative lol. since then i’ve reframed my thinking such that in the past week, i’ve planned multiple dates for the next few weeks. can you even believe! i have never “dated” or anything of that nature so it does all feel new to me, but it’s not been super scary or awful or anything like that! i’m proud of myself for being open to all these new ways of living & connecting!

24 jan - sorry to always be gushing about how much i love my life but i am so grateful to be alive at age 28 with the life i have been provided & made for myself with the support of those who love me… esp considering how i felt so hopeless even a week ago but esp a few months ago, my life still felt so closed off & disconnected. in my relationship i kept feeling like i had to remove myself from my life in order to sustain the life of another person, which ultimately led to me feeling unfulfilled & resentful of my role. at a certain point i felt so constricted in that relationship, like my opportunities to live a fulfilling life were getting further away. my ex leads a very small & closed off life whereas i desire new & deeper connections & to build out my networks & relationships — neither approach being good/bad or right/wrong, more that it felt like a misalignment in our outlooks & goals: they wanted our home to be for solitude, whereas i wanted our home to be somewhere my friends could hang out. anyway, just reflecting. all this to say that, lately i am feeling so hopeful & open to connections & possibilities. a friend asked what i learnt most this past year & i said “how easy it is to hold myself back”. i’m putting more effort into building my life out in all directions.

22 jan 2 - never made it to the neon museum bc i stopped to help a guy get to a shelter after his dealer fucked him over. hung out w/ him & his buddies in the elevator, he taught me a lot about flies & maggots while we waited for the street outreach volunteers to show up. now my sandwich is cold & the museums closed & i’m heading home for the night <3

22 jan - last 2 days were very laborious, packed an unbelievable amount of orders. & today i learnt how to use a pallet jack! now headed to the neon museum which has been on my list for over a year. tomorrow work will be light. supervisors basically told us they didn’t think we could get it all done before tomorrow but we did so haha!

20 jan - as globally & nationally things feel catastrophic, i am finding hope & connection in my daily life. still riding the wave of hopefulness from the 16th onwards — feeling more empowered socially & artistically, like things in my sphere are moving more & more towards the life i want & imagined, feeling fulfilled & balanced. making myself go to choir tonight bc i will enjoy it despite the time commitment it necessitates. catch you flounderers later!

18 jan 2 - in a journal somewhere on here, i’d written how i feel like i’ve lived my life backwards. queer time etc but also other things. in some ways i feel like i’m navigating situations meant for a younger me. which is mixed feelings, tho i’m ultimately happy to be in spaces w/ people that make me feel like “this is what i was supposed to be doing the whole time!” — in a way that feels like things now feel right & correct & “fit” if that makes sense. it’s a very cool feeling.

18 jan - hi flounder, i’ve had a great couple days after being in turmoil for a bit as detailed below lol. feeling renewed, excited, energized by what feels like endless possibilities. thanks for everyone’s love & support!

17 jan - yesterday feels like my whole life changed, i am feeling grateful & loved on my 28th birthday <3

16 jan 4 - had a great night thanks to all the friends i saw & music & moshpit <3 love u all

16 jan 3 - feeling more hopeful after therapy. i was told there is a third option besides “get back together” & “be single” which is “find a loving & healthy relationship with someone else”. unreal how much this information changed my outlook!

16 jan 2 - i promise i will recover one day. “& although i feel cold & empty, one day i hope i can feel warm & full” <3

16 jan - today i will go to therapy & meet with my supervisor. i have been sleeping on the couch again — not sure why i do this. lately it feels like the first week of my breakup again but with more clarity & less shame. many of the feelings i have & the songs i need are the same tho: ajj’s “love in the time of hpv” & “evil”. please don’t be mad when i finally tell my ex i want to try again, i have been so good as to not ruin everything by doing that yet. i know these feelings are so strong now bc of isolation & my bday — i feel more capable & whole when i am connected & in community. i hope that talking to my therapist will help me determine next steps in either direction, to begin those conversations with my ex or to solidify myself in “being single” — both options = “i want to try”. it can be hard to know what i want vs what i need & how to balance those things. i wanted to go calcium show but i needed to rest; i want to get back together but i need to be single…

15 jan 2 - sitting at protagonist cafe in soulard where they are playing the saddest theramin song over the speakers. it’s a painful but rewarding challenge of giving myself a task to do or place to try on my way home. i bought weed for the first time in a long time today, in maybe over 2 months. on the bus ride here, a man at the back of the bus spent the whole time singing an improvised song of “white man with the gayness! gay white man on the bus with the gayness!” this is the second time i’ve been harassed about my gender/sexuality thru song while on public transit.

15 jan - slept from 8pm to 4am yesterday which is as close to nighttime as i could manage. missed the calcium show bc of it but i’ll survive, i hope everyone had a good time. yesterday work sucked but today was better i think. my boss took me off a project last week but the project leaders told me today that they still want me on it so i’m kinda in limbo with that. i appreciate my coworkers. mainly i just supremely don’t want to go home after work today, i wish i had plans with a friend or an event to go to, or even that the aquarium was open later. i hate that i hate going home!

thinking a lot about my birthday as it approaches. every year i agonize over it. i realized today that i feel like i’m not worth celebrating, or i don’t deserve to be celebrated, which makes me feel pathetic & small. it’s kind of absurd bc it’s a normal regular thing that everyone celebrates every year (“i am not terminally unique”) & yet i feel embarrassed for anyone to know it’s my birthday. i feel like i should be exempt from having a birthday (maybe bc i’m not allowed to desire). a fascinating form of self-punishment that i engage in annually. woe is me woe is me etc.

12 jan 3 - trying not to post incessantly about my breakup but i don’t see my therapist till thursday so bear with me. i love my ambivalence (truly) bc i see myself going back & forth between “i want to get back together” & “i’m glad i’m not anyone’s boyfriend”. one problem is that i find most breakup advice unrelatable & i don’t think “getting over it” exists, tho i do believe that things only last as long as they do. also, trying to “be single” reminds me of when i first moved to stl: i hated it for 2yrs & never really gave it a chance bc i saw it as a temporary place. but things got better when i started putting real effort into actually building a life here. so maybe i need to do the same with “being single”, tho idk what it would even look like to “embrace” “being single” as a way of life. i feel so stuck here in post-breakup land!

12 jan 2 - can’t sleep / don’t want to!

12 jan - hello! today is the first day i’m not super congested. i’m surprised how well i’ve held up completely alone for 10 days, but growing up i thought i’d make a good hermit. i’m excited to return to public life tomorrow & be back in the world this week tho. except that it’s my bday in a few days fuck!!!!!! i’m in no way prepared, no plans or anything. oh well! see y’all soon!

9 jan 2 - finished my first book of the year! & talked to a virtual doctor who prescribed me prednisone. i can’t believe how much snow there still is & that we will get even more tn!

9 jan - my sleep schedule is all messed up, illness has made me nocturnal. i’m halfway thru my jar of tea & running out of ways to transform leftover meals. i cleaned up a bit today tho. i’m not feeling much better physically which has me worried that i might have a sinus or ear infection on top of covid :-/

8 jan - i’m on day 6 of covid. terribly bored & feeling justifiably isolated. eating lots of leftover chili, pasta, sandwiches… made orange chicken too which i was impressed by. all i’m doing rn is sleeping & drinking tea (honey citron ginger out of the big vat from costco). plus i started scouring for materials for digital collages again, started 2 today. in adolescence i’d usually get sick for 1 full week every year, which i’d use to watch an entire tv show (this was still a new concept at that point in time). in 6th grade i watched the whole ugly betty marathon & in 7th grade i did the first 4 seasons of doctor who. nowadays i can only withstand 2-3 episodes of a show before i need to change it… but i’m making myself listen to my audiobook again (something which i told myself is only a “commuting” activity?) so that i’m not sitting in complete silence for too long. ok thanks everyone gn!

2 jan - hi flounder! i hate when i have nothing to do after work. my fav is going straight from work to a show. tn i’ll make chili & maybe watch a movie (1932 freaks?). overall i’m trying to make “better use” of my time: listen to audiobooks during my commute that’s an hour each way (started Tweak by Nic sheff), or a new album (amyl & the sniffers today!). on my usual bus home there’s a woman who knits blankets & it’s incredible to see her progress each day. i started working on a song when i couldn’t sleep last night (!!!) so i want to figure out more of that. maybe i’ll pick an image to tattoo too. some of this can roll over into tomorrow.